My eyes will smile again.

My eyes will smile again.

The one thing I wasn’t expecting through all of this was the sadness I feel when I see photos of the me that didn’t yet know what it feels like to lose a baby. It’s like I feel sorry for the person I’m looking at as she doesn’t know what’s about to happen, what’s about to smack her straight in the face with a sledgehammer!

She was naive and happy and fearless. And so excited to be having twins. People had said twins were only given to those who can handle them, 'it takes a certain type of person to bring up twins', they said. She felt very lucky to have been selected for such a task! 'Bring it on!''. She’d been extremely lucky so far in her 32 years with what life had thrown at her, things had come easily to her and she had experienced very little trauma. Nothing could've prepared her. Poor girl.

Would I want to swap places with her? No way. I’d have to go to our 20 weeks scan again and find out that something wasn’t quite right, I’d have to have a sleepless night worrying about our appointment at the LGI Fetal Medical Centre the next day, I’d have to sit opposite the doctor while she told us ‘twin 2’ had no chance of survival, I’d have to hear the words ‘not viable for surgery’ and ‘nothing we can do for her’, I’d have to watch my husband break down whilst we held each other in that ‘bad news’ room; a room of pastel colours, green leather sofas and a poised box of tissues ready for action on the table, the room no one wants to be lead into. I’d have to sign that piece of paper and knowingly sing one last song to my Luna. I’d have to lose my baby all over again.

No, I’ll stay this side thank you, even with the warning this fragile heart couldn't take it. At this side I have a new perspective on life, greater empathy towards others, a renewed awareness of what really is important, strangely an enhanced love of life and a need to live it to the fullest. This was Luna’s gift to her mummy, alongside the gift of her sister of course, and I know my eyes will smile again.

The girl in these pictures gets to hold you again though. Now for that I would swap places in an instant.

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