And then she kicked me.

And then she kicked me.

The 3 options given to us in this very early stage were;

  1. Operate to prolong life.
  2. Palliative care.
  3. Let our baby go ahead of birth- medically termed ‘Termination for medical reasons’ (TFMR). I’ll go through details of each option in separate posts.

The days between the 11th April and our next appointment scheduled the 8th May (which seemed an age away!) were some of the hardest. They were filled with confusion, anger, doubt, unanswered questions, worry, sadness and above all disbelief. How were we in a situation where we were having to decide whether the best thing for our baby girl was whether she was born alive or sleeping?! You’d think this would be simple for a parent, surely some life was better than no life at all? But what if living meant that our baby would experience pain, and what about the effect on her brother and sister?

We had to make the decision, no one else could make it. How were we going to do that? It seemed like an impossibility at this stage that we could even contemplate any of the options for our baby. Each one was as devastating and scary as the next. Impossible.

As you can see from a WhatsApp conversation from this day last year with my best friend, Wade and I went through each option weighing up the ‘pros’ and cons of each. We researched each aspect of each scenario searching desperately for the answer that just wasn’t there. It was mentally exhausting. The only thing that was clear was that there was no way out of this without our hearts breaking.

After playing out each option in my head I’d get to a point where I felt ‘settled’ on one...and then she’d kick me and I’d hug my belly, crumble inside and the process of deliberation would start all over again.

We needed more information, we needed to know the full implications of each option, we needed to go back to the hospital. Decisions were going to have to wait for now.

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