Still Mine.
No one prepared me for what it would feel like after Luna died. I mean physically. But who could? Thankfully there aren’t many people who have had to knowingly say goodbye to one of their twins at 31 weeks. In fact, it’s so uncommon that the decision to 'allow' the procedure to occur so late in pregnancy had to be discussed and signed off by a panel of doctors. We were told that it had unanimous approval, and that they had agreed that it was the best thing for Luna and that for the safety of Halle the procedure had to be done around 32 weeks.
I feel extremely lucky to have experienced growing twins to this stage. The constant movement, their wake ups where one would squirm and then kick the other awake, the daily wrestling matches, the moments of stillness where I would know they were sharing some shut eye (until one kicked and the other kicked back), my ever-growing tummy - I just loved my big twin bump (as uncomfortable as it was!). I was so proud of it, still feeling ‘chosen’ for the twin task! Growing twins is an incredible feeling, full of movement and squirming, both babas intertwined around each other, nudging the other to gain more space. People commented on my bump and I loved telling them it was twins. Yes, I got a pang of knowing pain when I told them, but I embraced these moments, I felt superhuman. Sometimes I told them the situation but more often than not I just frolicked in their enthusiasm for me.
For the rest of the day on the 25th I just felt numb, physically and mentally. Was in a bit of pain from the procedure and cramps were normal apparently (but scary too). I didn’t feel any relief or gladness that we had saved Luna as I had hoped I would. I just felt so so sad, I felt guilty and I felt I had let Halle down. I had this overwhelming feeling that Halle was so pissed off with me. She was sending little messages to me like “Mummy what did you do to my sister? Why is she not playing? Why didn’t you save her?”. I just felt so sorry and so guilty. Sorry that she didn’t get anything back from Luna anymore, sorry that I hadn’t been able to create two perfectly good hearts, sorry that I had let her down. Would she understand? Would she agree with our decision? Would she forgive me if not? That day I was more wrapped up in my emotions to think about how it felt physically.
The next day, the 26th, the stillness on Luna’s side hit me. My right side, Luna’s side, was of course lifeless, just completely and agonisingly still. I could feel Halle kicking, waking and sleeping, squirming and wriggling. In my head she was trying to stir her sister as she always had done. Nothing. Luna was gone and I could physically feel it. On occasions my body (or maybe Halle) played tricks on me and Luna would kick me. I welcomed and hated these moments simultaneously. For a split second each time you think she’s defied science and kicked and then you come back down to earth and remembered that would be impossible and that it was in fact just an extra hard kick from Halle moving Luna. The right-sided kick was just a cruel reminder of what should have been.
My stomach turned with heavy grief each time I consciously thought about what had happened and I felt physically sick almost constantly. The lump in my throat practically choked me. I think I did pretty well to hide this from others, after all I had done this, it was my choice, I should deal with it without letting it affect others, my grief wasn’t valid. Or so I thought at the time anyway. On top of that I had Senna to think of, he couldn’t see me close to breaking down, my smile had to be present for him. He was just 15 and a half months old, doing something new every day, he couldn’t know my pain. Although, I know he sensed it.
The stillness was deafening at times but those right-sided kicks, the size of my bump and the stillness itself were reminders that Luna was still with me, inside me, being carried by me, laying peacefully next to her twin. Safe, with no pain ahead of her. I didn’t know how I was going to feel about this part of our journey, about carrying Luna for potentially another 5 weeks knowing she had died. Yes, it hurt every day to know she wasn’t still growing but to carry her little body for that bit longer while Halle grew stronger was also a comforting task. She was with us both throughout the whole pregnancy and that thought meant the world to me.
She was still there, still loved, still mine, still a twin, still a sister, still a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece. She was still, devastatingly so, but still with me, right where she should be. I hugged my belly tight at night and deep down I knew, with tears streaming, that even with all the pain by letting her go we had saved her.
The photos attached to this post are from the time between 26th and the twin's birthday on the 6th July. It was a surreal, heart-breaking 10 days. The little robin photos are from Lotherton Hall on the 27th . We went with our friends to the park and this little robin just followed us around for ages, she wanted to join in, she wasn’t scared. She made me smile. She was ok.
