11 weeks left.
11 weeks. That’s how long we had with Luna from finding out about her heart condition to setting her free. 11 weeks of growing 2 babies side by side, (well top and tailed actually), 11 weeks of feeling a daily wrestling match in my tummy, 11 weeks of getting so much bigger than my first pregnancy, 11 weeks more of having 2 heartbeats beating and feeling so proud of that fact. All these things of course brought tears of pride and sadness everyday. In one moment I could simultaneously feel immense joy and deep dread and sadness. I never knew it was even possible for a human mind to do this. To feel 2 extreme and completely opposing emotions at the same time- but it was and this was a constant state of mind for me throughout the rest of my pregnancy, during birth and beyond. And in all honesty, my mind is still like that now and probably will be forever. It can be exhausting but I love that my mind will never let her go. She’s in everything I do, everything I say. When Halle does something new I’m so excited for her and sad for Luna, and Halle, sad that they aren’t doing it all together as they should be. But she’s there at every one of Halle’s milestones and that thought warms me every time.
I tried everyday to enjoy the time I had left with Luna. But ultimately it was 11 weeks of waiting for the day we had to say goodbye, and I didn’t know if I wanted it to slow down or hurry up. Such a mixture of emotions. One thing was sure, I was determined to give her the best little life possible. I sang to her, played her music, her daddy talked to her, I trickled water on my tummy to make them both wriggle and so they could hear the sound of water (one of best sounds in the world!). We took her to different places and took photos so we can say ‘Luna was here’. The 23rd May was one of my favourite days of the 11 weeks. A day in St. Ives, Cornwall with my boys and my twin bump. We walked the cobbled streets, paddled in the sea, sat barefoot in the dry sand. We had ice cream, we had seafood and we had each other.
It was a happy day.
