I needed to be numb.
May 8th was our next check-up. We didn’t need to have made a firm decision by this date about what we ‘wanted’ for Luna, but we wanted to have decided.
We needed some closure on that part of this journey to be able to navigate our way through the next. We needed to be out of limbo land, to-ing and fro-ing between the options. We had made the decision and we were both on the same page, thank goodness. To be honest after the last meeting, it was quite clear to us what was best for our girl. Option 3, the worst option initially, turned out to be the only one left that would save Luna from any suffering. We had to let her go, to set her free before she knew what pain was. How was I going to do that?! Our meeting was a tough, one full of horrible questions that needed to be asked; ‘what will Luna’s ‘procedure’ entail?’ ‘Will she feel anything?’ ‘Is it safe for Halle?’ ‘What if I go into preterm labour before it?’ ‘What will she look like when’s she’s born?’ ‘Will we be able to hold her?’ ‘How long can she stay with us?’. Some of these questions couldn’t be answered right now and by the consultants. Over the next few weeks we’d seek help and advice from lots of different people to be able to get an idea of what to expect. I didn’t want any more surprises. As hard as it was, I needed to know every detail so I could process it before it played out for real. In a way I was trying to numb myself to it all. It was the only way I felt I could cope with what was to come. In 8 weeks’ time I had to help end my baby’s life. I didn’t want to feel the melon-sized lump in my throat and the bitter churning in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t want to hear the voices in my head asking me can I really do this to my daughter, am I even strong enough, sure enough? Will Halle understand why we ‘chose’ this for her twin? I needed to be calm, I needed to be practical, I needed to be numb.
As we left the hospital that day (on the greyest of days) we saw a rainbow. Was she telling us it was the right choice? I don’t know, but I grabbed that thought and wrapped it round all of my being.
This was her first sign to me and I was forcing myself to believe it.
