4 You.
Senna: "Mummy I wish Luna was 4 and then she died".
Me: (after a deep swallow) "why's that sweetheart?"
Senna: "Because then she could’ve had birthdays and parties like us."
Me: 😭😭😭😭😭 ❤️
Oh my heart Senna Benn. Such a lovely, bittersweet thing to think. He really loves his littlest sister.
It’s always been a worry of mine that by including Luna in our lives and our conversations that we will impart some of our pain onto Senna and Halle. So far though I think we might have got it about right. They both just have so much love for her.
It’s such a fine balance between keeping Luna part of our lives and ensuring our earth-side kids know what she did for Halle and for us as a family, and not wanting them to feel any hurt or longing like we do. We encourage them to ask questions, many of these are often difficult to find an answer for. Like ‘when did she die mummy?’ ‘How did she die?’ ‘How come she died, she wasn’t even old?’.
The advice we have had from the pros is to keep as close as possible to the truth to avoid confusion and the hope that she will come back one day. You need to say she died, “she had a very poorly heart and she died in my tummy”. How she died is a question I have avoided answering while they are so young. I avoid it with adults who ask never mind my kids who I fear may not understand (like some adults!). I worry they may feel frustration or anger towards me (like some adults!). Yea “mummy and daddy decided to end Luna’s life to save her” may just be too much of a contradiction for their little minds. Or maybe I am underestimating my kids EQ, maybe I shouldn’t let the little minds of adults cloud my judgement of what my children would understand.
But for now we will go with “she was just too poorly, she managed to stay with us until Halle was safe and then she died”.
Well tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of the day Luna grew her wings. I have no idea where those 4 years have gone, I am still as raw about the 25th June as I always have been. The memories are too vivid I can take myself back in second.
Unfortunately for me time is not a healer and this time of the year is always bittersweet.
Sadly I feel that because of the amount of time that has passed, all those months, days, hours, minutes I have had to go over and over what happened, the bitter bit really gets lodged in my throat.
I just wish she was here. Here to bounce off her sister and smash their milestones together. Here so that when Halle starts school in September that they could go in hand in hand and know they have each other no matter what. Here so that when Halle says ‘don’t leave me alone’ when she goes to bed that she never would be. Here so that Senna can cuddle her (he told me just last week that he wishes he could touch her). It hurts and this year feels particularly hard.
The hole in our lives is the now the size of a 4 year old. The size of a talking, playing, singing, dancing, footballing, gymnastic-going, school-starting 4 year old. (After all she is Halle’s twin). Maybe they would’ve had a little dance duet already, who knows? My mind dreams of these things and I let it.
Then it blurs my eyes and I realise it’s preventing me from seeing clearly. I quickly blink the tears out and it’s clear again. I can see again just how lucky I am to have my boy and my girl with me, happy and healthy. A husband who understands me more than anyone and people who love all 5 of us and who still check in and ask about my Luna.
I think to myself that my life will never be complete without her and then the moon appears as if out of nowhere and I am reminded that it is complete, she is here all around me and she knows just when I need her. I am one of the lucky ones, my 3 children know just when their mama needs them. Intuitive little buggers aren’t they?
Tomorrow we will celebrate you my girl. The moon will rise this sun will set but we will never forget. Love you Luna B xx
